It is what it is

I am done with weekend 4 of the year.  52 more to go! :)

I am so happy that I don't actually live my life by getting through a weekend.  I think it would be actually miserable!
I am finishing up the weekend routine, of putting groups together, updating information, and sending a plethora of emails!  It's ok though, I enjoy it, it's fun.  It is something that is an absolute essential in order to maintain my work, otherwise, it runs away from me, and I will never catch up!
Tomorrow the wife and I are heading to Corpus Christi, to visit her grandpa, it should be a really nice trip, quick for sure, but relaxing is what I'm hoping mostly.
Tonight is pasta night with the wife!  I am excited to just have her home and us sit together and relax for once in a while.  It is far to often that we just work and work past each other and throw love at each other instead of stopping and embracing it with each other.
Well the wife is on her way home so I had best go get dinner started!   G'night all!

-josh

When I Fall:

Last night was rough...
By rough I mean really rough...  When I get tired, especially emotionally exhausted, may the Lord help everyone around me.  I become cranky, dramatic, and probably heavily depressed.  Last night I was that.  I was emotionally strung out.  I was ready to quit.  Nothing about me seemed right.  I felt like I was PMSing.  Quite seriously, I wanted to cry, and for what reason?  I don't know.  My wife was being as loving and caring and kind as you could be, and she would ask me what's wrong, and I didn't know.  I just wanted to cry.
Which then lead to me thinking, about what?  What's wrong with me?  Not what's the matter with me, but what's WRONG with me, then I thought.  EVERYTHING.
I am too prideful.... I hate that, I am prideful because I want to over compensate for my insecurities.  That's dumb!  So then, I thought about my insecurities, which lead me to thinking about how I am insecure in my job, and how I think I'm going to get fired because I'm not good enough at it.  Then I thought about my friends, and how if I was a good enough friend none of them would be struggling the way they are, and how I just thought I was terrible at it.  Then I thought how I am an awful husband, I can't even be strong for my wife, instead I am laying in bed having a pitty party, and I just kept going over and over that.  While my wife laid faithfully by my side praying for me most likely, until we both fell asleep.
I woke up the next morning... FINE!  Just feeling ridiculous for the whole thing that happened the night prior.  My wife was supportive and forgiving which is great!

I hate being negative, I have never been the person who is pessimistic, nor have I ever been the person to think negatively about someone, I feel like I think positive about most everyone and think the best of most every situation.  Yet, lately, I have had this horribly habit of just thinking negative thoughts.  Maybe I am just tired, I would like to think I am not constantly tired.  I am not in the mornings.  Maybe it's my diet.  I don't know.
It is starting thought to consume my thoughts, not only have I been negative, but my mouth tells the truth... Not the truth that is good either, the good that is blunt honest, and I hate that!  I hate telling people something I don't mean to.  I like to tell people what they need to know, and using my discretion about the rest.  My discretion is LOST!  Just GONE!  NO where to be found!
If you find my discretion, please let me know!
I read something today that was great! Here it is, it was just really inspiring...

Hebrews 10

 ¹ The law is only a shadow of the good things that are coming—not the realities themselves. For this reason it can never, by the same sacrifices repeated endlessly year after year, make perfect those who draw near to worship. ²Otherwise, would they not have stopped being offered? For the worshipers would have been cleansed once for all, and would no longer have felt guilty for their sins. ³ But those sacrifices are an annual reminder of sins. ⁴ It is impossible for the blood of bulls and goats to take away sins.
 ⁵ Therefore, when Christ came into the world, he said:
   “Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, 
   but a body you prepared for me; 
⁶ with burnt offerings and sin offerings 
   you were not pleased. 
⁷ Then I said, ‘Here I am—it is written about me in the scroll— 
   I have come to do your will, my God.’”^[a]
 8 First he said, “Sacrifices and offerings, burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not desire, nor were you pleased with them”—though they were offered in accordance with the law. ⁹ Then he said, “Here I am, I have come to do your will.” He sets aside the first to establish the second. ¹⁰ And by that will, we have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all.
 ¹¹ Day after day every priest stands and performs his religious duties; again and again he offers the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins. ¹² But when this priest had offered for all time one sacrifice for sins, he sat down at the right hand of God, ¹³ and since that time he waits for his enemies to be made his footstool. ¹⁴ For by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.
 ¹⁵ The Holy Spirit also testifies to us about this. First he says:
 ¹⁶ “This is the covenant I will make with them 
   after that time, says the Lord. 
I will put my laws in their hearts, 
   and I will write them on their minds.”^[b]
 17 Then he adds:
   “Their sins and lawless acts 
   I will remember no more.”^[c]
 18 And where these have been forgiven, sacrifice for sin is no longer necessary.
I just loved it.  This is where I am at today crew!
Prayer requests?  -  Discernment and Energy!  Wisdom from the Lord...
Thanks for it!
-josh

I FLIPPEN HATE SATAN!

(This is a past post I forgot to post!) 1/17/10

So tonight was amazing!
I truly love my job, it's great, I work at a Christian Camp and tonight we did this crosswalk, which is basically the idea of carrying a burden and laying it down at the foot of the cross.
Way more goes into it than that, but you get the point.  Seeing these kids dealing with 'real' stuff is hard, I hate it.  What I hate even more is the lies that Satan fills there head with.  It sucks, the idea that they are alone or no one would like them if they came clean with what they were dealing with, or people would look at them differently if they told the truth about what they were going through!  I FLIPPEN HATE SATAN!
But tonight was sooo good, just to see these kids light up, and to open up with the FREEDOM that is in Christ.  For them to realize that they are not alone, that we are all struggling that we all have sin our lives and they don't have to live bound to that, it's amazing!
We had two kids come to Christ tonight, which is SOOO AWESOME!  I mean, if you don't get excited about kids coming to Christ, then somethings wrong, their are two more kids who are fighting the good fight and running the good race!  Who are now spreading the news of Jesus Christ for the world to know!  Their are two more kids who will be in Heaven with us when the time comes!  That is so so so so so GREAT!
Watching the kids worship tonight and hearing their voices cry out to God, and for them to realize that GOD LOVES THEM!  God doesn't just love the perfect, and He didn't just die for the good, but He died for each and every one of us, and to see the hope fill their little eyes!  How sweet, so so sweet...
It got my heart of fire for God, a fire that is awesome.  Just to know that their is hope, that God is still working in Big ways, and that He will come!
It was good, I hope that it is as encouraging to you as it was to me!
Have a GREAT NIGHT GUYS
-josh

The Different, That Happens.

How things have changed...
I look through my phone book, and I see Camp People, Family, Work Contacts and realize how much my phone book has changed in the past 4 years.
It makes me realize the friends that I went through, and the relationship that were lost, and the new relationships that were built.  How different it seems.  I often wonder what did I leave behind?  Did I leave weak bridges?  Bad-Tastes? Unsettled conflicts?  I don't know...  I just left.  I left people that I thought were great friends at the times, and I don't even have a standing relationship with probably over 95% of them.  It's like I left the stove heating water on the stove and just ran.  I don't think I regret it, but I do wish I knew at times.  I wish I knew how I left the people of my past.  When I see people from then they seem happy to see me and mostly as it is a big surprise.  I wonder if the people of my life today will pass, and I will move on to new people and how my life today will effect the way I leave tomorrow?  Will I jet?
I know that I suck at good-byes, it's probably one of my very least favorite things in the world, is saying good-bye.  My boss has a saying that probably upsets more me than anything else, because I don't know if it's truth, and it's, "there are never good-byes, only see you laters."  Is that true?  Will I really see you later?  I know the idea about it is, that I will probably see you in heaven, but what about the people in my life I know aren't christian, or that I am not sure of?  That sucks...
Maybe I don't feel like I ended the chapter right, you know when you are writing a letter or blogging and you are at the end of what you have to say, but it doesn't feel right?  Like you want to add a big, "THE END"?  That's how I feel I suppose...
I also, would have NEVER in probably a hundred years would have thought I would be here, or even want to be here where I am today, 4 years ago.  I mean today I am 22, married, have a great job that I love, live in a very small community of 50 that live here at a very secluded summer camp and retreat facility.  Building hardcore relationships with every person that lives by me because that's the only opportunity I have.  Being a Christian, not even just a Christian, but a active Christian at that, that is cultivating and building the Kingdom of God.
I don't know maybe this is a Blog of reflection, I think I have some mixed emotions in it.  I just think I have been thinking about friends alot.  Who they are and how I care about them, and how I wish my relationship circles were different.  Maybe I don't feel like I have any 'real' friends.  I have the people that I live with out at Camp.  The ladies, have husbands so I don't see any deep relationships with them, and the men are either just guys that are out here and I don't have any real relationships with them, or I'm mentoring them, which sucks.  Where is the real relationship is that?  Where is the real meaningful relationship in that?
I remember having friends that I spent almost every waking moment with when I was a kid, it was different then, freedom and no responsibility except taking out the trash every Monday and Thursday and make sure not to miss Saturday Morning Cartoons.  Then I moved to grade school where things were different, you were looking at being cool, not for the girls, oh no, but for the boys!  Which guy/girl was the coolest?  Had the best clothes?  The newest backpack and trapper-keeper.  Then middle school/ high school was to empress the girls.  It was all about who you were with and what you were doing with her, friends were based upon that I feel like.  I think that after that college was like returning back to Saturday Morning Cartoons, with classes, you could be friends with absolutely anyone you wanted to!  It was great, because for the extroverts making friends was EASY!  Keeping friends was hard, but you had a line of them to move through.  Then I get here, and I have this selective community that I have these almost seemingly force friendship that, are good, and they make me have to work on relationships instead of just having them in the bag.  It's so weird and I just don't know how to handle it right now, I want something more?
I have my wife, who is the best friend anyone could have, but I think there comes a point where you want, other friends.  I don't think that is bad, I think it's average, but where do I get those relationships from?
What are you thoughts on the topic.  I hate the term "people change."  I KNOW THIS!
-josh

What better way to FAITH, than to FREE FALL!?

I feel like for the past few days, I have been really burdened by my friends, which have been good, it has been something that I haven't felt in quite a while.  Which not that the burden is good, but the fact that I feel anything is awesome!
I think since I've been married, I have been consumed with my wife, and our relationship, and just trying to figure out our living together, and how to love her the way she needs to be loved.  Not that any part of that is bad, just it has been a consuming part of my life.  It's something that I am sure will NEVER be perfect, but it is something that must be maintained and tweaked.  I feel like I can suck at it at times, but over all I think that I will get the hang of it eventually.  I think every bit of me loving her, is my relationship with God.  At this point, my relationship with the Lord has been about me and how I am doing, and God is changing that to not is it about me but about the people around me.  I love this idea, because my self-centered relationship with God has been very tunnel-visioned.
At this time though, I see myself now having to see the big picture, that the people closest to me are in great need of the effort I am putting into myself.  God will maintain me, I need not worry about it.  If I can focus on my wife and my friends and love them and pray for them, then that leaves me to faith, that God is taking good care of me.  What better way to fill faith than to free fall!?
When I look out into the world... I see eyes filled with tears, eyes that yearn for the love of the Lord, for the compassion of Chist, and the mercy and grace of his blood.  I see arms wide open for anything that will give it to them.  Unfortunately I see the devil being quicker to their needs than Christians being there as the body of Christ.  Spreading the love and sympathy.  With the ears to listen to their problems, with the arms to wrap around and love them, with legs to carry them when they are unable to carry themselves.  Instead the devil is offering the world to them, and their becomes a point when that looks soo much better than any pain ever will.  Even as our fellow Christians fall into this, we as their brothers and sisters in Christ aren't anywhere near determined enough to quit looking inward at ourself, and outward at them drowning in sin.  Where is our Sword!?  ...  Just as I suspected by our bed, on our night stand.  Why aren't we bringing it out into the world, to fight sin!?  Why aren't we using it to slay corruptness!?
I know for me it is because I have been looking at myself for far too long, I have been worried about where I step and what I say, and how I am doing personally, thinking that I need to make myself presentable before I could ever step out into faith.  But I have come to think, that I step out in faith by doing what God has asked me to do, not worrying about what I am presenting!
This is where I'm at today.
-josh

PTL for Big Brothers

I can't fix it.  I can't show them the way, I can't bring them to their senses.  I just have to pray for them and provide Godly counsel when it's being saught.  I can't allow it to consume my life they my dearest friends are wrecking their lives.  I have to pray, I have to do what God does best, and that's love and save people from themselves.
As much as my heart is in it to bring them salvation and freedom from these sins, I can't.
PTL for Big Brothers...  
I wish, I do wish that I could just show them though that I have been down that road, that I have made those mistakes, that those pains are only temporary and GOD IS SOOOOO MUCH MORE INFINITELY BETTER!  He has it under control.  What they see now and what they feel now is only temporary that the sin isn't fixing the problem it is only making it sooo much more worse.
Lord save them...  Lord save me...
My heart wrenches when I think about this.
My heart is being consumed by this, and I must let the Lord have it.

-josh

SIN how I loathe thee...

I lay here in bed tonight and I am not sure where to begin.
I know that I have wished for the past several months that my prayer life was better... Or even existant.  Not that I didn't pray, but I didn't have passion in my prayer, and I didn't know exactly what I was praying for, I was just saying stuff, my heart was just seemingly still, and my words were just flowing out of my mouth like clock work.  When I read the Bible I didn't know what I was reading for.  I didn't have drive I was just doing it just to do it.  I would pray for God to light a fire, and I thought He would break me and bring me to my knees through an action that I would do, but no that didn't, He blew my mind in other ways, in ways I wish that it would have just happened... differently.
What does that mean?
I suppose I just wish things were different.  I think back...  I suppose I was never 'pure' I remember every since I can remember that I had something to hide, that I was corrupt, that I was a 'bad' kid.  Now we won't go through the whole gory details of what that means or why I thought that, but I definitely knew that what I thought or what I was going through at the time was wrong.  I remember going to sunday school as a kid and them teaching us about sin, I remember learning about adam and eve and how they basically corrupted the world, 'not that I blame them' because I'm quite certain I wouldn't have done any better.  But I wish that things were different.  I wish that SIN would have never been introduced into the world.
I say that now because my heart HURTS!
My heart cries out to God tonight because of what sin is doing in seemingly every one of my friends lives.  I have some really great friends, all of which love the Lord SO SO SO SO TRULY!  I know there hearts, if you know me, you know that I am not a surface level person, I love peoples lives, I love to get into them and dig deep and love them for everything they have to offer.  I don't want to love someone for who they want me to love them for, I want to love them for who God loves them for, which is EVERYTHING!  It's a scary concept at times especially when you start to see and feel how Christ sees and feels towards us.  I am not sinless by any means, I suck daily, and I figured that's how God would get my attention, through my own sin...  But apparently I have become numb towards that, but He has now used the sins of my friends to grab my attention and bring me to tears tonight.
As I am writing I hear this song in my head, and it brings tears to my eyes.  
Sidewalk Prophets - These are the Words I would say.
Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say.
I suppose they come to my head because I want hope.  I know that my hope should be in the Lord, and not even that my life isn't going wonderfully right now, but the pain of the world is killing my heart.
I can honestly say that everyone of my best friends is going through stuff that I wouldn't wish on my worse enemies.  Stupid sin, that is breaking God's heart, and just dumb circumstances that are life changing.
The devil is a brilliant Con-Artist that is ruining peoples lives:
Pornography - I hate it, it's ruining peoples lives daily, it's a dumb addiction that just leads you sinning more and more.  It has grasped so many peoples lives and it will NOT LET IT GO!
Homosexuality - URGH!  As most of you know I have struggled with this one, and it sucks, I have freedom in Christ, and through Him.  But at this point some of my very best friends are over their heads in it and are fighting for air!  Lord SAVE THEM!  This is one of the biggest things on my hearts.
Drugs - People just yearn for something to relieve the pain and get their minds off the reality of their lives, and they find something that will do just that.  It sucks, it's rotten.  It is debilitating.
Adultery - Having sex with someone you love, before your married...  It sucks seeing this.  I hate it, so many young men and women just do it, they know it's wrong, but it just sucks seeing it.  I hate it.  I wish that they could see that it's NOT filling the desires of their heart it's only temporarily covering them up.  This is another thing that just hurts...  HURTS for me to see.
Alcohol -  Another one of those things that just fill the void or cover the pain.  Just a quick fix to real problems.
Then I have the friends who just are hurting because of just hard times, I hate seeing it, I hate hearing about people struggling because of money issues or they lost their job,s or they lost their homes, or they lost both of them!  It sucks!  I want them all to have peace and joy.
SIN! How I loathe thee...
I suppose everyone is struggling with something, that's why we have the hope of Jesus Christ who did come and die on the cross to forgive us of those and we can live in freedom from it.  But what seems to me that all of my friends are suffering immensely from it.   And it doesn't even seem like they want out.  They like it.
I know for most of them, they have been looking for something that is missing in their life.  Something that they miss or have desired for all their lives, and now that some guy/girl has come along they seem to find it filling this yearning desire and they fill it with that.  IT SUCKS!  THen because of that sin they are overwhelmed with that so the pain and guilt of it is being filled with drugs/alcohol/sex and it SUCKS EVEN MORE!  I just want this to be different!
God Save Us, Please.
I don't really know what else to say.  This is my heart this evening.  I just wish that everyone would see that God can handle anything you bring to Him, trust Him.
Well goodnight all...
-josh :