So I lay here tonight in bed, and I can't sleep I can't do much of anything, I just can think about the things in my life that I 'suppose' I miss, but I know I actually don't.
- heartache
- loneliness
- betrayal
- sadness
- pain
- disgust
- ugliness
- worthlessness
- fakeness
A life with out Christ.
I hear stories of people living this way, living in pain, in heartache. IT BREAKS MY HEART!
I don't know how to handle it, I want to help them and all I think to do is cry, I don't think to pray I don't think to lean to the only solid thing I know which is Christ. I turn away from Him when I hear the world crying out in pain. I want to be the savior but I KNOW I can't. That's a hard reality. Should it be? I don't know. I am listening to right now, Eminem and Rihanna - "Love the way you lie," and it has be captivated, I hear it and I know the actual pain in the song, and I know how many people actually relate to this song, actually feel the emotion in this song and 'love' it. Even I find myself drawn to it, it has a catchy beat it has some great lyrics, unfortunately true.
I am also just full and something right now, I feel like I need a deep dose of Jesus. I am consumed by my everyday flow of WHAT? I need I reality check, I need something to change, not sure what? I love everything that's happening right now, I love my life I love what's going on, I love where I am, it is just I feel... COMPRESSED! Like something is squeezing me, HARD to where I can't move. What is that? WHY!? Is my 'freedom' being compressed by the WORLD around me? I don't even feel like I deal with the world? I don't even feel like these are 'real' emotions, they are all raw and tender and scary. Maybe I just need to get some sleep.
I don't know! I am reading the book "Sacred Romance" right now it is great as well as dipping into the Psalms which are absolutely beautiful! I just feel a disconnect, God I know He is there I feel Him all around me and in me and with me, but I don't feel 'satisfied' with my walk right now. What's wrong with me!?
Well this is me right now, I don't think I would read too into anything that is here, it is late and I generally get over... over... emotional? At night!
G'night All!
-josh
P.S. I am getting married in like 100 days to my BEAUTIFUL fiance, Meredith! :-) HECK YES!