Just Gonna Stand There and Watch Me Burn

So I don't really have a basis for this blog, it's been a while for me but I feel like I need to explode into words!  Here it is I wouldn't take anything I say 'seriously' just read it for what it is, as me exploding into words!

So I lay here tonight in bed, and I can't sleep I can't do much of anything, I just can think about the things in my life that I 'suppose' I miss, but I know I actually don't.

• heartache
• loneliness
• betrayal
• sadness
• pain
• disgust
• ugliness
• worthlessness
• fakeness

A life with out Christ.

I hear stories of people living this way, living in pain, in heartache.  IT BREAKS MY HEART!

I don't know how to handle it, I want to help them and all I think to do is cry, I don't think to pray I don't think to lean to the only solid thing I know which is Christ.  I turn away from Him when I hear the world crying out in pain.  I want to be the savior but I KNOW I can't.  That's a hard reality.  Should it be?  I don't know.  I am listening to right now, Eminem and Rihanna - "Love the way you lie,"  and it has be captivated, I hear it and I know the actual pain in the song, and I know how many people actually relate to this song, actually feel the emotion in this song and 'love' it.  Even I find myself drawn to it, it has a catchy beat it has some great lyrics, unfortunately true.

I am also just full and something right now, I feel like I need a deep dose of Jesus.  I am consumed by my everyday flow of WHAT?  I need I reality check, I need something to change, not sure what?  I love everything that's happening right now, I love my life I love what's going on, I love where I am, it is just I feel... COMPRESSED!  Like something is squeezing me, HARD to where I can't move.  What is that?  WHY!?  Is my 'freedom' being compressed by the WORLD around me?  I don't even feel like I deal with the world?    I  don't even feel like these are 'real' emotions, they are all raw and tender and scary.  Maybe I just need to get some sleep. 

I don't know!  I am reading the book "Sacred Romance" right now it is great as well as dipping into the Psalms which are absolutely beautiful!  I just feel a  disconnect, God I know He is there I feel Him all around me and in me and with me, but I don't feel 'satisfied' with my walk right now.  What's wrong with me!?  

Well this is me right now, I don't think I would read too into anything that is here, it is late and I generally get over... over... emotional?  At night!

G'night All!

-josh

P.S. I am getting married in like 100 days to my BEAUTIFUL fiance, Meredith! :-)  HECK YES!