I Usually Illogically Speak Logic

• wow...  I mean WOW!

   

  Where have I been?  I mean, I haven't really checked Xanga much less thought about writing in about 2 weeks. 
  
  Crazy?  Nah...  It's life...
  
  So what's new?  Where to begin...
  
  Well my last post was like February 10...
  
  That next week I took a week break from work, and went home to Houston!  Meredith came with me, and we spent the week with my brother and sister-in-law and my nephew.  We had a great time, it was awesome.  My nephew is the cutest thing!  It was the first time I have seen him since he was born, and the first time for me to hold him.  He is precious, Trustin Cole Nelson. 
  
  They have a beautiful family...  Just beautiful...  God has His hands deeply involved with that bunch.  Just gorgeous....
  
  It is so hard to explain my relationship with Meredith sometimes, especially when I think about it over the past year since we broke-up.  We dated the summer of 2008, up until January 2009, it was good, but wasn't great, I got to know her, and realized some of the vital things about her.  Knowing A) she is an incredible woman of God and B) she is an incredible woman 'period', were two things for me to swallow hard when we broke up.  But we did and it was hard, and we have been split up since then.  The funny thing is we live at Camp, which is a very strange reality, but it is reality.  We work together and live together in the same very small community, so made us have to work together, and hang out together nearly everyday, so we couldn't just break up and go our separate ways, but instead we had to work together not only that, but LIKE IT!  But it's been incredible, because we have both grown-up especially me, I knew we couldn't be together because I was just not there, I wasn't ready, I was not the Man of God I needed to be or God wanted me to be in order to be a part of a healthy relationship.  Over the past year I have grown so close to God, and just realized what it means to walk with God.  What it means to yearn for a relationship with Him.  What it means to seek His face, to want to be different, to LOVE and TRUST Him.  Not only have her and I grown separately, but our relationship had become so healthy and wonderful, and I was falling more and more in love with her daily.  But I would have these days where I would just fall into my past, retreat to some sort of safety that I had built up for myself, and not rely on any one else but myself.  Yet God has daily been chiseling hard on those walls and those barriers and those chains that have been pulling me down and holding me back, and I'm saying they are GONE, but they have no say so in my life, God is way too Strong, He definitely breaks every chain.  So for the past 3 months I have been here thinking more and more about how much I love this women, and how much I don't want to live with out her. 
  
  Which brings us to this story:  I am here with a question on my heart, would you marry her?  Would you want to spend the rest of your life with her?  Would you love her the way that Christ loves the Church.  This is big, this is a questions that is hard to answer, and what seemed like, everything inside me was saying run, no, don't do it, it's not worth it, you don't need it, I felt God saying, come with me, this will be great, you will love it, and I will bless it.  That step was hard, but I grabbed on and just walked with God.  Praying and hoping that God would not lead me astray or leave me alone for a second, because I was going into uncharted waters, here I am...  I know I don't want to spend a day with out her, I know she knows me better than any person alive, and she loves the Lord with an incredible amount of her heart.  I take that step, and go with what I know, and what God is telling me, and we are now dating again.
  
  So we have been dating for the past 3 weeks, and I have felt the attacks of Satan, but God is so much more.  I have been falling more and more in love with her daily, and I get this fear, in my heart that I will get hurt, but then at those moments, God places His hand on my shoulder and says to me, "your focus needs to be Here. "  With this walk with God, He has brought an incredible amount of freedom on me and my life, and incredible amount of faith, and joy has over-whelmed my senses, and I can do nothing other than bring PRAISE to the Lord.
  
  "Oh God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you in a dry and weary land where there is no water.  I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory.  Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.  I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.  My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods:  with singing lips my mouth will praise you." - Psalms 63:1-5
  
  So that is that.  I read it and I sound ridiculous, but I like it!
  
  So I have gotten to facilitate a group since then, which doesn't happen very often, and I really miss it sometimes!  Just hanging out with kids!  It is incredible, the energy, the fun, the excitement is great!  I have really missed it alot!  But it was great, the kids were awesome, and they had a great time out here! 
  
  March started "Rice and Beans" month, and let me tell you I did it for 1 week, and now I quit, it is super hard, I am so sorry for the people who can only afford Rice and Beans, but I can't live off of just Rice and Beans, I mean I CAN! Yet, that isn't my only option, I can onion rings, cheese burgers, tacos, raviolis, pizza, egg rolls, fajitas, white-chocolate macadamia nut cookies...  not just rice and beans, I mean I LOVE jambalaya, but the sausage and stuff make it great!  I have tentitively quit it, but I mean not all together, just rice and beans for certain meals.  Yeah... :)
  
  Other than that, I listened to a sweet podcast my Matt Chandler the other day, that left me thinking about this...
  
  "Don't get in a shelter and wait for the 'Rapture'" as we would for a tornado, but instead go out and save people from the storm!  You have salvation!  I feel far too many of us get into this shelter, our "Christian Bubble" and aren't worried a bit about saving lost souls or getting out of our 'shelter' to bring anyone to the light!
  
  We need to get into the Bars, the Drug Houses, the Strip Clubs, we need to go the the Streets of the City to save peoples souls, we should be loving the Samaritans, the drunks, the perverts, the thieves.  We should be shedding grace on the lost and sinning, and lifting up our brothers and sisters in prayer. 
  
  So I will need to write more so I don't have to catch up a months worth or stuff in a small novel!
  
  Hope all are doing well!
  
  Love You Guys!
  
  Please tell me how I can be praying for you all!
  josh
  
  Praying for me:  That the Lord will continue to grow me into the 'Man of God' He desires me to be, that He will show me where I am lacking Him, and where I need to be loving the people of the world, and how I can continually grow to be more like Him.  Also, just show me how I can honor and love like He loves the church.
  
  Some Great Lyrics:
  
  Apologize - 33 Miles (look it up)
  
  It’s been going on for so long
  All the words we said wrong way back then
  And I still hear them all in my head
  It keeps playing over and over again
  I can’t run, I can’t hide, it don’t matter how hard I try
  To move on, but
  
  CHORUS
  I don’t want to leave it, bury it and forget
  I’ve already wasted so much time
  Can’t wait another moment, am I all out of chances
  For you to believe it’s on my mind
  I’ve gotta let go of my pride and apologize
  I thought I would never let go,
  Never thought I could know what it’s like
  To wake up, holding what I gave up,
  After all this time still trying to find
  What it is to forgive even when it isn’t that easy
  So please believe me, cause
  
  CHORUS
  If I caused you pain, I will take the blame
  You can put it on me
  if I broke your heart, if I left a scar
  let me say I’m sorry
  
  CHORUS
  I’ve gotta let go of my pride,
  And apologize