About as Clear as Mud

Today...

Does God know how to work, or does God know how to work?  I spent a large portion of my week just in a 'funk'.  I haven't really had much of reason other than I suck at life. (which is still true)

I have been over whelmed lately with the amount of sin that IS in my life.  (lust, idolatry, jealousy, envy, etc.)  I have been praying daily that God would just take if from me.  As I was journaling tonight God totally revealed some awesome things to me.  I have been fighting these sins, and trying to just get them out of my life, while the whole time praying that God would take them from me.  Realizing soon after I had written most of this down, that "I" was fighting, "I" was trying to get them out of my life.  I wasn't at all letting God have them.  Then after that I was going through some old journal entries, and I soon read one of my prayers for God to, "Show me my sins, show me what I don't see about myself, show me how I am not like You." 

That is a pretty powerful prayer, I didn't realize it at the time, but for the last three or four days, I had been consumed by this pain and dismay of how 'awful' I was as a person.  I was just beating myself up.  Then I realized that it was because of God that I even saw these things.  I had at one time been consumed by the World, and how awesome of a person I was, and when God actually answered my prayer and shed light on the situation, it was painful.  It was pride shattering to know that I was such an dark person, yet so good at the same time.  Just to know that God is still there, that 'reassurance' that He isn't done with me, that He is still working in me to make me MORE like Him!

I love it!  I also realized that I was idolizing myself, and my relationships with other people.  Not healthy at all, I was giving myself, and not God the glory that He so redoubtably deserved.  I was taking the glory in my heart and mind, for the 'good' that was happening.  I was becoming jealous and envious of time that my friends were having with other people.  It wasn't good, it was nasty, and it just consumed my thoughts at time, but just realizing that jealousy was consuming me because I was holding myself up higher than where I actually was.

After just realizing this, and praying about it, and just asking for forgiveness for these things, and just giving PRAISE to God for just continuing to bless me, and bless me, and bless me more!  A friend of mine and I started to talk about things in our lives, and he basically said, he didn't want to talk to me earlier for some reason.  It was a totally gut check, and just pride adjust and I had to just totally 'recalibrate' basically, just knowing that it's alright for that.  Knowing that I'm not everything that I make myself up to be, which has been my problem all along, the idolatry that I have for, MYSELF!  Then I was like, and how can I get upset with him for not wanting to hang out or talk to me, when I myself sometimes don't want to talk to GOD!?  How does it hurt Him, when I say God no, not now I don't want to hang out or talk now, I just don't want to!  It was just totally humbling!  It was just a real eye opener! 

Yet so very good!

I know God is a jealous and righteous God, He has every right to be jealous of me when I choose other things over Him, and our relationship!  I realize that now, He is Good and Just!  I can't be jealous I am not perfect, yet He is.  God is Perfect.

That was just a huge eye opener for me tonight, and something that I am so glad I learned.  I still need to work on the jealousy thing, it's something that just eats my lunch!

It's so good to be humbled, even though it feels like the world is over!

Happy New Years Everyone!!!!

Love You Guys,
Josh

Scrammbled Emotions

Why is it the Devil always kicks you when you're down?  I mean I wasn't even down, I was up!  But it hasn't changed the fact that He totally knocked my legs out from under me.  Today I have been in a pretty good mood.  It's like one little sentence can put a world of pain in my heart.  It's like jealousy and envy takes over and I am then stuck in this 'funk' that consumes my thoughts.  I like to just give things to God, but it's like until I sit down and write it all out, and just seek the Lord about it, it won't happen.  I am sitting there waiting for peace to come along in 'some other way.'  Then with that, a near and dear friend of mine I fear is being hurt by my 'actions.'  Which totally makes me feel like a jerk.  I wish people would just understand that I don't ever intend to hurt anyone, I'm just not ready for any kind of relationship other than friendships.  I don't really want to date.  It's not where God has me right now, we are still working on "ME" right now.  Which I understand that will be an on-going process until forever gets here!  Yet, at this point I know that the only way I would date someone is if I 'WAS' for certain it is what GOD wanted me to do.  I don't feel that way about anyone really.  So that lays me between a rock and a hard spot.

I quit dating about 3 years ago.  Called it all off until I found out what God had for me. Not so much, "I kissed dating good-bye", just took a break from it, then I dated someone for about 6 months off and on a year later, then have been single for a year now.  I have been struggling with who I am, and just attempting wholeheartedly to find my identity in Christ alone.  It has been an on-going battle.  I am happily single, and it's ok with me, but when I do have people that want to date me and I seemingly get an ultimatum, it kinda sucks.

Expression 101:


So why today?  Why is it that when I feel as if I am having a 'good' day that the Devil can have such a big effect on me.  I realize I am not perfect, Lord do I know.  Yet, when I try to give everything over to the Lord, it hurts the most when the Devil can get some sort of foot hold or emotion out of me.  I know I need to quit masticating over it, and let God have it, because at this point, no glory is going to God, just the fact that I'm having a pity party all by my self, and allowing the Devil to just control me. 

This is my day, I am going to read and pray for a while, then possibly go to bed!  I'm looking forward to it, I can't wait to just lay it all down!

FREEDOM IS GOOD, AND GOD PROVIDES FREEDOM

Everyone have a great night!  I truly enjoy praying so if you need some prayer for anything please feel free to let me know!

Love You Guys,

Josh

Even Crayons Break

So today was a weird day.
I got to Camp Last night, it was nice, 6 hour drive with Kent from Lubbock.  Very long and quiet.  We arrived I dropped him off and haven't seen him since.

My body is weird.  I just don't know what to do.  I stayed up till about 5 am talking to some friends online, and just goofing around, unpacking, watching movies, and so forth.  I didn't wake up until 2:30 today.

My past is kinda crazy, most people just don't know what it is.  I don't really feel like talking about it either.  I was over whelmed last night by this run of apathy, that luckily the Lord today changed it.  But I was consumed with this emotion of NOT CARING.  I didn't care about anything or anyone.  I didn't care about having a relationship with the Lord.  I didn't care about being 'good' I didn't care about living, I didn't care about dying.  If I died I would be in heaven worshiping the Lord forever.  Which now sounds sooo good, but last night it sounded aweful.  WHY?

I was just in this weird mood that I had never had.  I didn't want to go to hell, I remember that.  I did though just wanted everything to end.  WHY?  It was this funk that over came me.  I know I had done some sinning yesterday and it was hitting me pretty hard and I totally disliking it.  I know I needed to seek the Lord for real, but I wasn't going to.  Still today I haven't prayed or read or anything, which isn't good I know that!

Tonight I know that I will spend some time with the Lord seek him.

I had a really cool conversation that I will have to write about later, but not now I don't have time!  I have to shower and go to dinner!

The three guys below asked me to put them in here so here it is!
(Andy, Hershey, & Austin)

<>EDIT<>

Lord knows, I need help.  I have such a wicked heart.  My desires are mostly in the wrong place and my actions are typically all for the wrong reasons.

This morning for some reason I decided to get into a gay chatroom.  dumb.

(background) I used to be gay, I before I was a christian, lead a very gay lifestyle, as much as I would love to say I was totally changed by the Lord and I have no more struggles, I can't.  I am a totally different person now, but I still have struggles, and homosexuality I suppose is one of them.

So I went in thinking 'just to chat' and that is what happened.  I chatted, not really talking to anyone about anything, until I IMed this guy, because he said he wanted someone to chat with so I was like what the heck, I'll just IM him.  So I said hey, and for me I put as my status usually whatever is playing on iTunes.  Which happened to be David Crowder - (not sure the song).  But the guy said, "David Crowder! Nice Pick"

Which lead into my saying, yeah it's fantastic!  I love the band and I'm sure something about how I Love the Lord.

Well this lead into a 3 hour conversation about the Lord, and how much He has done in our lives, and how we aren't really gay, but we couldn't actually explain why we were in "Gay Chat - 20".

I feel foolish now, but it was an encouragement to just talk to someone about struggles and have known that people do live for the Lord, and that they do screw up, but still God exists without us being perfect.  It was good.

Humbling to write this, knowing I will have people read this, and maybe realize that I'm not perfect for the first time, and that's fine.

I listened to a pod cast tonight on "Our Greatest Idol."  I assumed it was over ourselves, and I assumed correct.

It was good for me, and I know my heart is wicked, and I so desire that they weren't.  

The pastor from the village church in Dallas, said some cool things that I just loved.

"When I think that my sins 'aren't really that bad' that is when I make the judgment also, that the cross really isn't that big."

Even to think that my heart isn't that bad, I mean look at Jeffrey Dahmer, he must have had a whole lot of grace to be saved while he was in prison.  I mean my heart isn't as bad as his, I don't kill or molest people.

All that is doing is making about the actions, not the nature, if we look at everything about everyone's nature and take away the actions, everyone's heart is just as black, from myself to Hitler to my daughter.  We are all equally as far away from the cross and we need the vastness of Jesus and if you don't believe that the bible says, "you deceive yourself and the truth is not in you."

Because of this it makes the cross become that much more vast.

So Yeah that's what my evening has looked like...  That was soo cool to listen to and realize how wicked my heart actually is, but man by the grace of God I am saved and forgiven!  SOOO GOOD!

Well I am going to hit the sack! I'm pretty tired!  I get to play Meredith and run the kitchen for the next few days and cook and cook and cook.  Exciting!?  lol

Love You Guys!

-josh

'WICE', anyone?

I have been in Lubbock for the past few days.  It's been really awesome.

Kent and I drove in Wednesday evening, arrived about 8:00 p.m.  We were in a rush the entire drive from Dallas, due to the fact that winter weather was in the forecast for Lubbock.  When we arrived, the cars little smart display said 'ice' after the letter W for West, so it looked alot like Wice, which I had never seen before and I was like... what's Wice!?

After we arrived these big cold wet chunks of slush started coming from the sky, which was dumb.  We went inside and visited with Kent's mom and sister for a while it was nice, we were a bit tired so we went to bed about 12.  I was laying in bed when I decided to check the weather on my phone and it said there was a big snow storm over Lubbock, and I could see outside through the window, but I saw no snow.  So I got up and went and looked and to my surprise the ground was covered in about 2 inches of snow!  I was so excited I screamed KENT COME LOOK!

We went outside and I walked in the snow bare footed.  Fell asleep a bit later and when I woke up there had been about 8 inches of snow that fell over night!  How exciting!

Well today is Saturday, the snow is still here, and it's dumb.  I tried to make a snowman, which caused me to drop my phone & ring in the snow, I found my phone 3 hours later, and my ring well is still missing. 

It's ok though...  My phone doesn't work, so that's sad.  I hope it comes to life soon.

The trip here has been good, Kent and his mom are doing 'better'.  There is quite a bit there, I am not going to put it on here though. 

We are just laying around the house right now, probably going to go out and hang out, outside.  I hope everyone had an amazing Christmas!

Have a Great Day, I will update more later I am sure!

-josh

Chasing Cars

I have been for the past several hours in the car, just visiting family that is all over south east Texas.  It has been fun, Kent and I have just been baring the weight of having to sit in the car for too long.  Chills run through my body as I think about the very long drive to Lubbock tomorrow.

I am right now sitting in a line weighting to board a Ferry to Galveston.  It's cool because you can sit in your car and get free wi-fi which is so freaking cool!  I am sitting here and I 'should' be on the next boat out of this joint!  LoL, whatever that means.  There are about 30 vehicles before me, so I hope so!
*crosses fingers*

I am going to pick up my mom, because of the sweetness that is about to happen....  My NEPHEW number three is on his way into the world, we are picking her up and going to the hospital to see the new baby!  YES! 

Trustin Cole Nelson

You can keep them in your prayers as the doctors and Monica go through this rigorous miracle of life.

How awesome is it that the Lord our God, created us to be able to reproduce, He gave the ability to have us to for 9 months hold a human being in us and able to grow it and take care of it, all just naturally.  How awesome!

THEN, He gives the child over to us, and we are supposed to raise him/her up in his light, and teach him/her about the Lord our God who created us and loves us so incredible much! 

God is Good.

I hope everyone is having a great evening!  Have a Merry Christmas!


Please keep Kent and I in your prayers also, as we are traveling the next few days!

Love You Guys!
-josh

Crimes of the New Age

Today was a sweet day, very relaxing and chill, it was nice to be away from camp and just be able to lounge around and do nothing!  I read a bit, and just hung out with Kent!

I gave blood which was cool also.

But it is weird, the idea of sitting around all day, reading the bible and listening to a podcast, just enjoying being still and holding out from the rush of life, seems to be a sin in itself.  Why is that?  Why is it that when I want to just sit around and enjoying being silent, no tv, no music, no distractions, do I seem viewed as wasting time?

SABBATH

-josh

Candy Canes and Sleigh Bells

What is Christmas actually?

I am home now after a nice long drive to Beaumont with Kent, we are sitting outside of my brother's house due to their unatural sleeping habits on the couch in the living room.  We didn't want to disturb so we decided to go outside and hang out in the car!  They will wake up and wonder where we are and think it's quite odd that we are in the car, but that is fine!

Back to the questions previously stated.  What is CHRISTMAS?!  When did it become all about santa, reindeer, and what not?  When did it lose it's religious origin?  When did we lose the CHRISTmas in christmas?

I watch a very awesome movie today, basically bringing the nativity scene to life, bringing alot of what happened to the big screen.  It was completely moving and uplifting to see what was portrayed as our Lord and Savior in a completely humbled environment as a human infant.  In a manger in a cattle barn made out of rocks.  It was awesome to see how God works in such awesome and amazing ways!  

The question didn't arise from that but as soon as we turned the movie off the 'history' channel came on and we started watching a documentary over santa clause, and christmas trees and just a spectacle of nonsense that I remember being raised in and being fascinated with.  It was a bit disturbing to know that my glutenous and selfish desires are often fed by this holiday now, sense it is what it is made of.  I love christmas don't get me wrong, but I am now wondering where does CHRIST come into play?  When am I going to see him sat back where He belongs, at the center of this Holiday.  This season that was brought about because, He was born, for us.

He was born to take the sin of the world, so that we, (the people who are making this to be a 'idolic' holiday full of selfishness and wants) may live a life free of sin, and have the opportunity to have eternal life with Him in heaven.

Just some random things that were going through my mind for the evening.

Please everyone have a spectacular CHRISTmas.  
Remember, the very cliche saying, He is the reason for the season.

Josh 

When Life Gives You Lemons

Alright! So...

Today has been a stinking sweet day, the group left this morning, at the crack of dawn...  The AMAZING Walkabout Students cleaned camp, which gave me time to catch up on everything that I needed to in order to be set for the Christmas BREAK!  I feel comfortable leaving know now that I have enough lined out to be ready for the retreats when I get back!

I am about to jump in the shower...  (i think it would be funny if i actually 'jumped' into the shower)
Then get ready to go to a Christmas Party with Meredith.  She has said we will get a movie and margaritas afterwards!

It should be a pretty fun night! :)

I hope everyone is having a great day!   You should comment or something, I love talking to people, if you read this then say something maybe we can be friends!

Peace Out!
-josh

Concrete Evidence

So, after today, I have evidence for myself, that I am a selfish individual....
First of all, I have a picture... of myself on my own blog!?  Well I could be a bit conceited, but is that really that bad!?  I mean I could put a picture of a cross up there or some really cool verse, and that would be interesting... RIGHT?  but then I would be held to the standards of that verse, and if I ever said anything slightly inappropriate I would then be judged for well, say something inappropriate.

I will for sure get someone who is like, "Why do you care what people think?" 

Well as for me I am a person who is not naive about the fact that I do care what people think about me because, well I do, it's life, it's how I am it's ME!

So that brings me back to my point, ME! 

So maybe I am selfish, or conceited, I do though love the Lord God with my entire mind body and soul!  I am supposed to be humbling myself, and I feel as if I do, but it gets hard you know?  When you are humbled or attempt to humble yourself, and you get down to that level of humbleness, then you are there, and I feel like it's a constant attempt to be humble, or more humble than before, because in order to be humbled your, humbleness has to go up making your selfishness go down, and it's a constant battle! URGH!!!!

Yeah, so also, I am a very jealous person, I hate it, I get jealous over the most ridiculous crap!  Which, thank you Lord, I am so much better than I was before in the sense that it doesn't take me out for an entire day or longer, it's usually just a few minutes, then I gain my composure.  With that, it is just dumb, and it has quite a bit to do with just personal feelings, which I should not be holding on to!

Then, on top of all of that, I have this 'person' in which I love completely and she loves me completely,but I can't commit to! What the Crap!?  It is all because I can't convince myself that I won't hurt her, or she won't hurt me.  Stupid insecurities, and crap.

So I feel like this is a big dramatic post, because in all actuality my life is amazing, the Lord is good, and He is faithfully taking care of me!  Which is soooo GOOD!

Now even more so, my AHDH in full force, or I just have turrets.  sweet. 

Today has been a long day, Legacy Christian is cool, they are a fun group, my boss was kind of all in my case today, but it's alright, I smile and nod because why Lauren?

We are interns!

Oh yeah so you know I am an intern! :)

HOW SPLENDID!

(and I told my boss I would do it another year.)

Have a Great Night ALL!!!

I am currently listening to Jimmy Needham - The Gospel

Check IT OUT!

Peace, Love and Chicken Grease!
-josh

My Momma Said there would be days like this!

Alright so it's pretty brisk morning out here at "The Eagle!"

Foggy and chilly, and I about to spend the next 3 hrs on the side of a cliff, which is pretty sweet! Hanging out with the kids is going to be fun I really enjoy it for sure! :)

Yesterday was a long day but so exciting, I have missed hanging out with kids for sure!

I don't really know what to say exactly, I mean my life isn't really that exciting, if I wrote on here what I did, it would be rather redundant. Plus I think I have to go! :)

Thanks maybe I will post later today with some more exciting things!

Have a TERRIFIC DAY!
-josh

YourScreenNameSucks

I generally love to write, and it is something that has become a passion of mine. My friend had a 'blogger' thing so I was like I will see how it works. Generally I write in my journals! Oh soo good! Those are usually prayers. I think I have to write things down because my mind races so fast over so many different things that I forget what I am thinking about 98% of the time! But if I write it down then I can always go back and be like, "OH YEAH!" It's a good feeling to remember what you were thinking about!

One of those, "it's right at the end of my tongue!"

I am a "intern" it's cool, I love my job, it's fantastic, I have been where I am at now, for 2 years, and I wouldn't do anything else! I find it a great passion of mine to serve people, it's fantastic! I am a Christian, which in today's society, isn't necessarily something you want to announce to the world, and by me saying I am not afraid to say it doesn't make it any better!

I don't really have a social life, I live at a Camp in the midst of nothingness. It really makes it easy to escape the pressures of today world. I usually and a fast pace, extrovert, who can't sit down for more than 3 minutes! Living here has taught me alot about enjoying the small things in life!

Well I think this is going to be it for today!

Peace out internet!

-josh!