About as Clear as Mud

Today...

Does God know how to work, or does God know how to work?  I spent a large portion of my week just in a 'funk'.  I haven't really had much of reason other than I suck at life. (which is still true)

I have been over whelmed lately with the amount of sin that IS in my life.  (lust, idolatry, jealousy, envy, etc.)  I have been praying daily that God would just take if from me.  As I was journaling tonight God totally revealed some awesome things to me.  I have been fighting these sins, and trying to just get them out of my life, while the whole time praying that God would take them from me.  Realizing soon after I had written most of this down, that "I" was fighting, "I" was trying to get them out of my life.  I wasn't at all letting God have them.  Then after that I was going through some old journal entries, and I soon read one of my prayers for God to, "Show me my sins, show me what I don't see about myself, show me how I am not like You." 

That is a pretty powerful prayer, I didn't realize it at the time, but for the last three or four days, I had been consumed by this pain and dismay of how 'awful' I was as a person.  I was just beating myself up.  Then I realized that it was because of God that I even saw these things.  I had at one time been consumed by the World, and how awesome of a person I was, and when God actually answered my prayer and shed light on the situation, it was painful.  It was pride shattering to know that I was such an dark person, yet so good at the same time.  Just to know that God is still there, that 'reassurance' that He isn't done with me, that He is still working in me to make me MORE like Him!

I love it!  I also realized that I was idolizing myself, and my relationships with other people.  Not healthy at all, I was giving myself, and not God the glory that He so redoubtably deserved.  I was taking the glory in my heart and mind, for the 'good' that was happening.  I was becoming jealous and envious of time that my friends were having with other people.  It wasn't good, it was nasty, and it just consumed my thoughts at time, but just realizing that jealousy was consuming me because I was holding myself up higher than where I actually was.

After just realizing this, and praying about it, and just asking for forgiveness for these things, and just giving PRAISE to God for just continuing to bless me, and bless me, and bless me more!  A friend of mine and I started to talk about things in our lives, and he basically said, he didn't want to talk to me earlier for some reason.  It was a totally gut check, and just pride adjust and I had to just totally 'recalibrate' basically, just knowing that it's alright for that.  Knowing that I'm not everything that I make myself up to be, which has been my problem all along, the idolatry that I have for, MYSELF!  Then I was like, and how can I get upset with him for not wanting to hang out or talk to me, when I myself sometimes don't want to talk to GOD!?  How does it hurt Him, when I say God no, not now I don't want to hang out or talk now, I just don't want to!  It was just totally humbling!  It was just a real eye opener! 

Yet so very good!

I know God is a jealous and righteous God, He has every right to be jealous of me when I choose other things over Him, and our relationship!  I realize that now, He is Good and Just!  I can't be jealous I am not perfect, yet He is.  God is Perfect.

That was just a huge eye opener for me tonight, and something that I am so glad I learned.  I still need to work on the jealousy thing, it's something that just eats my lunch!

It's so good to be humbled, even though it feels like the world is over!

Happy New Years Everyone!!!!

Love You Guys,
Josh

Concrete Evidence

So, after today, I have evidence for myself, that I am a selfish individual....
First of all, I have a picture... of myself on my own blog!?  Well I could be a bit conceited, but is that really that bad!?  I mean I could put a picture of a cross up there or some really cool verse, and that would be interesting... RIGHT?  but then I would be held to the standards of that verse, and if I ever said anything slightly inappropriate I would then be judged for well, say something inappropriate.

I will for sure get someone who is like, "Why do you care what people think?" 

Well as for me I am a person who is not naive about the fact that I do care what people think about me because, well I do, it's life, it's how I am it's ME!

So that brings me back to my point, ME! 

So maybe I am selfish, or conceited, I do though love the Lord God with my entire mind body and soul!  I am supposed to be humbling myself, and I feel as if I do, but it gets hard you know?  When you are humbled or attempt to humble yourself, and you get down to that level of humbleness, then you are there, and I feel like it's a constant attempt to be humble, or more humble than before, because in order to be humbled your, humbleness has to go up making your selfishness go down, and it's a constant battle! URGH!!!!

Yeah, so also, I am a very jealous person, I hate it, I get jealous over the most ridiculous crap!  Which, thank you Lord, I am so much better than I was before in the sense that it doesn't take me out for an entire day or longer, it's usually just a few minutes, then I gain my composure.  With that, it is just dumb, and it has quite a bit to do with just personal feelings, which I should not be holding on to!

Then, on top of all of that, I have this 'person' in which I love completely and she loves me completely,but I can't commit to! What the Crap!?  It is all because I can't convince myself that I won't hurt her, or she won't hurt me.  Stupid insecurities, and crap.

So I feel like this is a big dramatic post, because in all actuality my life is amazing, the Lord is good, and He is faithfully taking care of me!  Which is soooo GOOD!

Now even more so, my AHDH in full force, or I just have turrets.  sweet. 

Today has been a long day, Legacy Christian is cool, they are a fun group, my boss was kind of all in my case today, but it's alright, I smile and nod because why Lauren?

We are interns!

Oh yeah so you know I am an intern! :)

HOW SPLENDID!

(and I told my boss I would do it another year.)

Have a Great Night ALL!!!

I am currently listening to Jimmy Needham - The Gospel

Check IT OUT!

Peace, Love and Chicken Grease!
-josh