How things have changed...
I look through my phone book, and I see Camp People, Family, Work Contacts and realize how much my phone book has changed in the past 4 years.
It makes me realize the friends that I went through, and the relationship that were lost, and the new relationships that were built. How different it seems. I often wonder what did I leave behind? Did I leave weak bridges? Bad-Tastes? Unsettled conflicts? I don't know... I just left. I left people that I thought were great friends at the times, and I don't even have a standing relationship with probably over 95% of them. It's like I left the stove heating water on the stove and just ran. I don't think I regret it, but I do wish I knew at times. I wish I knew how I left the people of my past. When I see people from then they seem happy to see me and mostly as it is a big surprise. I wonder if the people of my life today will pass, and I will move on to new people and how my life today will effect the way I leave tomorrow? Will I jet?
I know that I suck at good-byes, it's probably one of my very least favorite things in the world, is saying good-bye. My boss has a saying that probably upsets more me than anything else, because I don't know if it's truth, and it's, "there are never good-byes, only see you laters." Is that true? Will I really see you later? I know the idea about it is, that I will probably see you in heaven, but what about the people in my life I know aren't christian, or that I am not sure of? That sucks...
Maybe I don't feel like I ended the chapter right, you know when you are writing a letter or blogging and you are at the end of what you have to say, but it doesn't feel right? Like you want to add a big, "THE END"? That's how I feel I suppose...
I also, would have NEVER in probably a hundred years would have thought I would be here, or even want to be here where I am today, 4 years ago. I mean today I am 22, married, have a great job that I love, live in a very small community of 50 that live here at a very secluded summer camp and retreat facility. Building hardcore relationships with every person that lives by me because that's the only opportunity I have. Being a Christian, not even just a Christian, but a active Christian at that, that is cultivating and building the Kingdom of God.
I don't know maybe this is a Blog of reflection, I think I have some mixed emotions in it. I just think I have been thinking about friends alot. Who they are and how I care about them, and how I wish my relationship circles were different. Maybe I don't feel like I have any 'real' friends. I have the people that I live with out at Camp. The ladies, have husbands so I don't see any deep relationships with them, and the men are either just guys that are out here and I don't have any real relationships with them, or I'm mentoring them, which sucks. Where is the real relationship is that? Where is the real meaningful relationship in that?
I remember having friends that I spent almost every waking moment with when I was a kid, it was different then, freedom and no responsibility except taking out the trash every Monday and Thursday and make sure not to miss Saturday Morning Cartoons. Then I moved to grade school where things were different, you were looking at being cool, not for the girls, oh no, but for the boys! Which guy/girl was the coolest? Had the best clothes? The newest backpack and trapper-keeper. Then middle school/ high school was to empress the girls. It was all about who you were with and what you were doing with her, friends were based upon that I feel like. I think that after that college was like returning back to Saturday Morning Cartoons, with classes, you could be friends with absolutely anyone you wanted to! It was great, because for the extroverts making friends was EASY! Keeping friends was hard, but you had a line of them to move through. Then I get here, and I have this selective community that I have these almost seemingly force friendship that, are good, and they make me have to work on relationships instead of just having them in the bag. It's so weird and I just don't know how to handle it right now, I want something more?
I have my wife, who is the best friend anyone could have, but I think there comes a point where you want, other friends. I don't think that is bad, I think it's average, but where do I get those relationships from?
What are you thoughts on the topic. I hate the term "people change." I KNOW THIS!
-josh
