Today...
Does God know how to work, or does God know how to work? I spent a large portion of my week just in a 'funk'. I haven't really had much of reason other than I suck at life. (which is still true)
I have been over whelmed lately with the amount of sin that IS in my life. (lust, idolatry, jealousy, envy, etc.) I have been praying daily that God would just take if from me. As I was journaling tonight God totally revealed some awesome things to me. I have been fighting these sins, and trying to just get them out of my life, while the whole time praying that God would take them from me. Realizing soon after I had written most of this down, that "I" was fighting, "I" was trying to get them out of my life. I wasn't at all letting God have them. Then after that I was going through some old journal entries, and I soon read one of my prayers for God to, "Show me my sins, show me what I don't see about myself, show me how I am not like You."
That is a pretty powerful prayer, I didn't realize it at the time, but for the last three or four days, I had been consumed by this pain and dismay of how 'awful' I was as a person. I was just beating myself up. Then I realized that it was because of God that I even saw these things. I had at one time been consumed by the World, and how awesome of a person I was, and when God actually answered my prayer and shed light on the situation, it was painful. It was pride shattering to know that I was such an dark person, yet so good at the same time. Just to know that God is still there, that 'reassurance' that He isn't done with me, that He is still working in me to make me MORE like Him!
I love it! I also realized that I was idolizing myself, and my relationships with other people. Not healthy at all, I was giving myself, and not God the glory that He so redoubtably deserved. I was taking the glory in my heart and mind, for the 'good' that was happening. I was becoming jealous and envious of time that my friends were having with other people. It wasn't good, it was nasty, and it just consumed my thoughts at time, but just realizing that jealousy was consuming me because I was holding myself up higher than where I actually was.
After just realizing this, and praying about it, and just asking for forgiveness for these things, and just giving PRAISE to God for just continuing to bless me, and bless me, and bless me more! A friend of mine and I started to talk about things in our lives, and he basically said, he didn't want to talk to me earlier for some reason. It was a totally gut check, and just pride adjust and I had to just totally 'recalibrate' basically, just knowing that it's alright for that. Knowing that I'm not everything that I make myself up to be, which has been my problem all along, the idolatry that I have for, MYSELF! Then I was like, and how can I get upset with him for not wanting to hang out or talk to me, when I myself sometimes don't want to talk to GOD!? How does it hurt Him, when I say God no, not now I don't want to hang out or talk now, I just don't want to! It was just totally humbling! It was just a real eye opener!
Yet so very good!
I know God is a jealous and righteous God, He has every right to be jealous of me when I choose other things over Him, and our relationship! I realize that now, He is Good and Just! I can't be jealous I am not perfect, yet He is. God is Perfect.
That was just a huge eye opener for me tonight, and something that I am so glad I learned. I still need to work on the jealousy thing, it's something that just eats my lunch!
It's so good to be humbled, even though it feels like the world is over!
Happy New Years Everyone!!!!
Love You Guys,
Josh
No comments:
Post a Comment