I got to Camp Last night, it was nice, 6 hour drive with Kent from Lubbock. Very long and quiet. We arrived I dropped him off and haven't seen him since.
My body is weird. I just don't know what to do. I stayed up till about 5 am talking to some friends online, and just goofing around, unpacking, watching movies, and so forth. I didn't wake up until 2:30 today.
My past is kinda crazy, most people just don't know what it is. I don't really feel like talking about it either. I was over whelmed last night by this run of apathy, that luckily the Lord today changed it. But I was consumed with this emotion of NOT CARING. I didn't care about anything or anyone. I didn't care about having a relationship with the Lord. I didn't care about being 'good' I didn't care about living, I didn't care about dying. If I died I would be in heaven worshiping the Lord forever. Which now sounds sooo good, but last night it sounded aweful. WHY?
I was just in this weird mood that I had never had. I didn't want to go to hell, I remember that. I did though just wanted everything to end. WHY? It was this funk that over came me. I know I had done some sinning yesterday and it was hitting me pretty hard and I totally disliking it. I know I needed to seek the Lord for real, but I wasn't going to. Still today I haven't prayed or read or anything, which isn't good I know that!
Tonight I know that I will spend some time with the Lord seek him.
I had a really cool conversation that I will have to write about later, but not now I don't have time! I have to shower and go to dinner!
The three guys below asked me to put them in here so here it is!
(Andy, Hershey, & Austin)
<>EDIT<>
Lord knows, I need help. I have such a wicked heart. My desires are mostly in the wrong place and my actions are typically all for the wrong reasons.
This morning for some reason I decided to get into a gay chatroom. dumb.
(background) I used to be gay, I before I was a christian, lead a very gay lifestyle, as much as I would love to say I was totally changed by the Lord and I have no more struggles, I can't. I am a totally different person now, but I still have struggles, and homosexuality I suppose is one of them.
So I went in thinking 'just to chat' and that is what happened. I chatted, not really talking to anyone about anything, until I IMed this guy, because he said he wanted someone to chat with so I was like what the heck, I'll just IM him. So I said hey, and for me I put as my status usually whatever is playing on iTunes. Which happened to be David Crowder - (not sure the song). But the guy said, "David Crowder! Nice Pick"
Which lead into my saying, yeah it's fantastic! I love the band and I'm sure something about how I Love the Lord.
Well this lead into a 3 hour conversation about the Lord, and how much He has done in our lives, and how we aren't really gay, but we couldn't actually explain why we were in "Gay Chat - 20".
I feel foolish now, but it was an encouragement to just talk to someone about struggles and have known that people do live for the Lord, and that they do screw up, but still God exists without us being perfect. It was good.
Humbling to write this, knowing I will have people read this, and maybe realize that I'm not perfect for the first time, and that's fine.
I listened to a pod cast tonight on "Our Greatest Idol." I assumed it was over ourselves, and I assumed correct.
It was good for me, and I know my heart is wicked, and I so desire that they weren't.
The pastor from the village church in Dallas, said some cool things that I just loved.
"When I think that my sins 'aren't really that bad' that is when I make the judgment also, that the cross really isn't that big."
Even to think that my heart isn't that bad, I mean look at Jeffrey Dahmer, he must have had a whole lot of grace to be saved while he was in prison. I mean my heart isn't as bad as his, I don't kill or molest people.
All that is doing is making about the actions, not the nature, if we look at everything about everyone's nature and take away the actions, everyone's heart is just as black, from myself to Hitler to my daughter. We are all equally as far away from the cross and we need the vastness of Jesus and if you don't believe that the bible says, "you deceive yourself and the truth is not in you."
Because of this it makes the cross become that much more vast.
So Yeah that's what my evening has looked like... That was soo cool to listen to and realize how wicked my heart actually is, but man by the grace of God I am saved and forgiven! SOOO GOOD!
Well I am going to hit the sack! I'm pretty tired! I get to play Meredith and run the kitchen for the next few days and cook and cook and cook. Exciting!? lol
Love You Guys!
-josh
Josh, thanks for visiting my blog and leaving a comment. I've read some of your posts, too. Though we don't know each other, I want you to know I will be praying for your struggle and fight against the pull of homosexuality. One of my brothers (he's 53 yrs. old) is gay and has no room in his life for Jesus Christ or the salvation and hope He offers. Several years ago I lead a support group for families & friends of people caught up in homosexuality. I pray you will fight long and strong against the enemy who wants to destroy your life, Josh! God has amazing plans for you and that makes Satan reeeeally angry! He wants nothing more than to bring us all down with him and sex is one of his most favorite things to use! He takes the good that God gave us and twists it all around, putting ideas and feelings in our minds that draw us away from God. I pray you will be strong! Keep serving Him and keep yourself covered by the Word. Oh, and stay out of those chat rooms!!!! (You're just a few years older than my oldest son, so pardon me if I sound like a Mom. :))
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Michelle Shocklee