Say Where, I'll Go?

Tonight was night one of World Mandate.

It was really great.  I have been struggling though with a since of compression....

Does that makes sense?

I feel as though I compress my feelings and emotions, I don't want them to drive me nor do I want them to take control of my life.  I feel as if it's a fear brought on by my  mother and her emotion driven life that I have seen bring her to a place that I hope to never be.  I am often compared to my mom because of our spirit and way that we live and our spontaneity... 

I hate being compared to my mother, she does have a compassionate heart, but I don't want to be anything like her.  I know that is probably harsh, but it's something that drives me insane.  So due to this, I feel as though I compress my feelings and emotions like I stated earlier.  I never want to be to happy with something, thus allowing it to base my decisions off of it, nor do I want to become so upset with something, even to the point of making me cry.  Crying is dumb to me, and it's a sign to me that I am weak and I am allowing the emotion of sadness to overwhelm me.  It is a distinct feeling that I can point out time and time again in my life.  I know it's probably not good or healthy, but it is how I feel. 

Raw emotion scares me.  It scares me to the point that I completely neglect it and over look it.  I know it's probably something that I should look into, but it's something that I need to look to the root of the problem first.  Which is dealing with my mother and the pain that goes in that general area.

Pain... Ergh, something that I am not too fond of.  Tonight the speaker at W. Mandate, talked about the birthing pains of the world, the pains that go along with the arrival of the Lord.  He made the metaphor of how natural birthing is typically quicker but more pain, and how if you get an epadoral that it will typically slow down the birthing process due to the fact that the mother doesn't feel the pain so she doesn't feel the urgency nor does she know how to push the infant out.  With that being said, in order to solve the problem of me compressing my emotions, I feel as though I need to face the pain, and get it over, "No pain no glory?"  I'm not sure, but I suppose I should quit trying to beat around the bush with the situation, but go ahead and face whatever it is that needs to happen to set the relationship straight between my mother and I.

Well I should get to bed, I have an early start in the morning!  I will be updating a bit tomorrow most likely.

BTW, the speaker was using that referrence to the pains of the world, and how mothers typically won't push because they won't know how to push because they can't feel anything from the waist down.  So they are pushing with there heads and not with there well...  'area'.  :)

So the baby isn't coming out as quick, compared to if the mother knew where the pain was and knew the quicker she got the baby out the quicker the pain would stop.  So using that as if we will go dive into the area of greatest pain we will be able to see faster solutions due to the fact that we are going where the most pain is at.   Something like that I am sure I have missed represented something in there.

Good Night All!

Love You Guys!

Josh